Back from the appointment at the hospital with surgeon Verweij. He did a duplex test (some echo-like check) and told me that there's nothing wrong with the deeper veins in my leg and that the bulge that's near my ankle (plus the bulge below my ankle) are the result of one branch having faulty valves and leaking stuff that should be going upward (is actually pushed upward) into the outer veins that then expand (since they can't handle such pressure) and show on the outside of the leg. According to mister Verweij fixing this is a very simple procedure. As he put it 'klem, klem, touwtje, touwtje' (clasp, clasp, string, string), meaning that the faulty branch will be shut completely. Since you have thousands of little blood-vessels this should not be a big problem for the outer part of the leg and the swollen bit should shrink back to normal again.

The only downside of the simple procedure is that, in order to get to the problematic vein, a 3 cm deep incision should be made and for that I either need an anesthetic or an epidural because a local sedation won't be enough. Laser or injection is not an option with this kind of faulty vein (600 people per year get those, only 50 get real surgery with the cutting) However, before someone is going to cut into me I'm scheduled for an extensive test of the deeper veins next Monday morning. That way we can check if there is really nothing wrong with the deeper veins (that don't show completely on the hand-held duplex test machine). This is an extra check because I have been told that I had trombosis when I was 1,5 years old. There's no evidence of that on the handheld-duplex thingy, but if there is something wrong and the 'standard procedure' does not have the desired result, it would be a shame. Better save than sorry. On Wednesday I'll have the talk about what the test results of Monday mean for any further procedures. (Bad stuff: this will burn through my 'eigen risico'. Very good stuff: it seems to be fixable!)

This doctor was way more comprehensible than the one that I got my first appointment with. That was with the private clinic Dermalink. You can get an appointment there sooner (but I had to wait more than 30 minutes before I got to see the doctor himself, at the hospital today I was let in even earlier than my appointment time) but they do no 'cutting'. They have laser options and that's about it. That guy didn't tell what he was looking at on the machine (white and black stuff with blue and red blotches). He left the impression that he didn't have much structure in what he was doing and he failed to explain to me what exactly was wrong. Well, he did explain stuff, but that was not anywhere near what this last doctor said! And he only gave the 'option' of lifelong supporting stockings. Not what you want to hear if you're only 31 years old!

Doctor Verweij explained that the black stuff on the screen were veins, that blue is good (blood going in the right direction) and that red is bad (blood flowing in the wrong direction). He could see that the problem is in one specific area, and thus fixable. It's not just 'all veins are damaged, so cutting stuff away would only make it worse' like the first doctor said. How on earth could two consults give such different results!?

On Wednesday I'll ask what the risks are of doing the surgery or leaving things as they are, assuming that nothing is wrong with the deeper veins. It's not just that the bulge on my leg is ugly, but it is also painful or itchy at some times. Last time I did a big skating trip it took 2 days for my leg to stop hurting. So removing it would be a good idea, as long as the removal does not bring along any other (bigger) risks/problems. And if there are indeed problems with the deeper veins I also want to know what my options or risks are.

After the consult on Wednesday I'll call Dermalink to tell them, in nice wording, that they suck and that I won't be coming back. He asked me to call 4 months after the appointment to tell how the stocking was working out for me.

Argh! Fell off the blog-wagon again. I can be very disciplined in some things (like exercises in the morning) but blogging seems to not be one of them. I envy Lenny and JaneStarz for having the inspiration and taking the time to blog almost daily.

Last post (from May... sigh) was rather positive. Today I'm more on the negative side of the spectrum. I've had a 'yay I can do this' period in which I made quite some stuff to sell in my (someday to set up....) Etsy shop, but now I'm in a 'blegh, nobody would buy this' mode again. And it sucks. I can remember the times that I'm on the up and feel like I can really achieve something and all the nice and encouraging stuff people have said to me about this starting-your-own-thing-stuff but sometimes I can really drag myself down the pit of negative thinking. And that's where I find myself this week...

There's also the money thing. Delivering mail pays shit (minimum wage, 25 hours a month means about 200 euros, or less, a month). So I should really be looking for something else if I want to be able to keep on paying my part of the mortgage and other fixed costs. But there's the question again: WHAT?!?!? Yes, the whole jobcoach thing said 'something creative'. Like a costume designer or make-up artist. Right... speaking to people in those fields of work has popped that bubble. Very little work, you have to have connections in the workfield already etc. And how about a decent background/education.

And that is exactly my problem. I have a Master of Arts degree for a study that led to exactly nothing. 'Interaction Design', sounds cool and nobody knows what it means. It could have made me an Interaction Designer (designing user-friendly interfaces, or being an expert tester) if I had pulled hard at it. It made me a webprogrammer instead and after 8 years in that line of work I have had it with the 100+ combinations of hardware (computer/phone/tablet, different resolutions), operating-system, browsers, plugins and whatever-the-heck-more not playing nicely together and making the building of a website an absolute struggle. I like my puzzles and challenges every once in a while, but they need to be solvable. "This will never ever work because OS-builder XXXX will never support it" just sucks monkeyballs. And that leads to frustration and a very unhappy me.

So, not back to being a webprogrammer. (hell, I even felt the frustration again when I was making a very simple placeholder page for myself...) But without any decent education, what is left? For all administrative job-openings you need at least some background or education in that direction. For anything sale-related you need some education in that direction or really love selling stuff to people (and I don't think I could ever sell anything that I wouldn't use myself..). Then there's the cleaning business. Though my house could use some more cleaning, I think I could do it for someone else or at an office or something. But even for stuff as simple as that there are certificates and rules that you need to know about. Working in care (elderly people/children/handicapped people) really is not my thing. And I am still not willing to give up my free weekends and go work as a waitress or something. Anybody know of any other stupid (i.e. no education needed) jobs that I haven't mentioned yet??

Then there's jobs that might look nice, but are for 'people with a distance to the labor market', or are not payed (volunteers), or are only for 3 hours a week (I'm in it for the money guys... give me some hours!). And frankly I don't really feel motivated for a job anymore, which is a very sucky mindset for any application. I just want money to do fun stuff (sports, musical, larp), I'm not the "sales-tiger" you're looking for or "wanting to become a bra expert", or "climb my way up in the company".
I even cancelled one of the courses I was going to do in September. I signed up for 'headwear and fantasy wigs' and 'grimeren 1' (facepaint basics) but I cancelled the latter one because 340 euro + 100+ traveling-expenses for those 6 days is a bit much at the moment. Still doing the wigs-thing though, hopefully I'll learn some skills that can be used in my own business.

Then there's (unknown, but probably high) costs of some hospital consults regarding the varicose veins (spatader) on my right leg. Due to the surgery I was in as a kid (for removing my right eye) my veins were damaged by needles for blood tests and infusions so everything there is wonky and I've had varicose veins since I was 16 (or even earlier). They're ugly and sometimes hurt, so I want them 'fixed'. Today I have a consult (second opinion) to see if anything cosmetic can be done about it and what the future will hold if I do nothing or go along with some (if any...) procedure. The doctor of the first consult told me that wearing a support stocking for the rest of my life was the only option. I surely hope not.

It's way past time for lunch, so I'll try to end on a positive note. I'm working on a new bellydance costume (you can never have enough) for the Orenda gala the 22nd this month. I'm doing bellydance exercises from two DVD's by Rachel Bryce (look her up on youtube, she's a gorgeous dancer) and attending a couple of summerclasses by A-Dance.